Heero's Thoughts

1:58am: To Karen
I dont what else to feel sometimes, i feel am alone
I’m sitting here
Waiting
Wanting
Wanting you to return
Go away from your pains

Your struggles
That i have caused you
The endless sadness you experience
All because of me

I am not worth your time or your love
I never wanted to hurt you
I never wanted you to not trust me
But because i am who i am
You feel less than perfect
Less than beautiful
Less than true

I have no way to apologize to you
I will forever regret my life
I am nothing but a waist of flesh and soul

Why

Why was i the lucky one to be chosen?
Chosen by an angel from up above
I have done nothing of valor
Nor of aptitude
To deserve you

Please be true to yourself
Be true to your heart
I have given you mine
Now decide if you still want it

- Poem Copyright ArchAngel3989

12:22am: Someone love me.

I need her.

1:07am: Been running from this feeling for so long
Telling my heart I didn't need it
Pretending I was better off alone
But I know that it's just a lie
So afraid to take a chance again
So afraid of what I feel inside

Chorus :
(But/Cause) I need to be next to you, oh I, oh I
I need to share every breath of you, oh I, oh I
I need to know I can see you smile each morning
Look into your eyes each night for the rest of my life
Here with you, near with you, oh I
I need to be next to you

Need to be next to you

Right here with you is right where I belong
I lose my mind if I can't see you
Without you there's nothing in this life
That would make life worth living for
I can't make it if you're not there
I can't fight what I feel any more

[Chorus]

I need to have your arms next to mine for all the time
Holding for all my life
I need to be next to you
I need to be next to you, oh I, oh I
Need to be, need to be next to you
Share every breath of you
I need to feel you in my arms baby, in my arms baby
I need to be next to you, oh I, oh I

12:59am: Hey your glass is empty
it's a hell of a long way home
why don't you let me take you
it's no good to go alone
I never would have opened up
but you seemed so real to me
after all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see
I don't have to pretend
she doesn't expect it from me
Don't tell me I haven't been good to you
don't tell me I have never been there for you
don't tell me why
nothing is good enough
Hey little girl would you like some candy
your momma said that it's OK
The door is open come on outside
no I can't come out today
it's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
and threw you to the ground
who's there that makes you so afraid
you're shaken to the bone
and I don't understand
you deserve so much more than this
So don't tell me why
he's never been good to you
don't tell me why
he's never been there for you
don't you know that why
is simply not good enough
so just let me try
and I will be good to you
just let me try
and I will be there for you
I'll show you why
you're so much more than good enough...

12:27am: Hoenn - Verdanturf - Pokemon Center
Its my fault that all this has happened. I'm responcible for the stress that Karen is going through. I should have never agreed to go with her on this trip, I should have known better. I let my human emotions get the better of me, a mistake. Its my fault that girl died, its my fault that Tai died, its my fault that Ayame died, and its my fault that Karen is in the shape she's in both physicly and mentally. I'm to blame. Not her, not anyone else.

Speaking with Karen has brought me some closure to the matter, yet my feelings for her haven't changed. But they will have to, and quickly. I overstepped my boundaries when I touched her and kissed her forehead. She allowed it, however... it was a stupid move. Again, my human emotions got the better of me. This can't go on. I won't be troubling Karen with my presence for the next few days, and I won't bother her with that matter any longer. She's gone through enough. Ikari is scratching at my door, but I won't let him in. I don't want to speak with anyone... I don't want them to see me. I'm falling apart, I've become weak and nearly useless. I'm not the same person I was several years ago, before I met Tai. A part of me wishes I was, then I could move on with this more easily and effortlessly. At the same time, I don't want to get back to the way of life, but I must.

Not for myself, but for Karen's sake.

Things such as love, they are forbidden, yet... I long for it.

3:21pm: Hoenn - Verdanturf - Town Outskirts
Verdanturf is a quiet town, I feel somewhat content here. There's several public gardens surrounding the city. Sitting here at the very back of one, I can't help but think of what's happened in the past several days. I can't stand to be around Karen at the moment. Its difficult to even look at her. My human weaknesses are getting to me, I need time to regain my composure. I only want the company of my Pokemon, they're all I really have at this point.

Aura insisted on being my companion today, the Dragonair is one of the gentlest and most understanding of my group. She could be away with the others that I gave free roaming to for the day, but instead... she's sitting here with me. Her coils encircling me in a protective manner. She wanted me to play a song for her, and I did. Holding the flute in my hands, I'm again reminded of things in the past.

I'm purposely avoiding Karen, atleast until I can get my emotions under complete control once more. I have a feeling that she knows, and that she may approach me about it. Could it be that I'm afraid? Afraid of rejection perhaps? No... it can't be, that's ridiculous. I already know that there isn't a chance. Being human is irritating.

1:57pm: Hoenn - Mauville City - Pokecenter
The nightmares have come back. I hate them. I had to relive those moments,
when that girl died in the fire, and Tai's death. My imagination even conjured what Ayame might have gone through before she died. I awoke in a cold sweat, and the nausea returned, forcing me to vomit.

I did't bother sleeping anymore after that. So while sitting here in an empty Pokecenter lobby in the early hours, I wait for Karen to awaken. We're leaving Mauville today.

I've given up Ayame for dead, there's no chance she could have survived in the desert alone. Not for this long. I was never meant to be a parent, and this only confirms that fact. Odin will be glad to know she's gone, for then she won't 'be in my way' any longer. She was never in my way. No more than Tai had been. But, should I have listened to him all along? Was he right? Is this some sort of punishment for my disobedience? Hn.

Ikari is saddened over Ayame's apparent demise, as is Karen. Karen, she had no responcibility for the child, and yet... she was almost like a second mother to Ayame. She tried to comfort me, but in the end... she needed comfort as well. Strange. I held her hand. I hadn't had contact like that with anyone in so long, I'd almost forgotten what it was like. I can't deny that I feel... something, for that woman. Its a foolish thing. She already has someone. Besides, I don't think I could ever give her everything she needs. Not only that, I can't allow anything to happen to her.

10:23am: Explanation
For those of you who are reading this journal, take in mind that this is not an LJ for an actual person. Heero is an RPed character on Pokemon Neo MUCK, and these are his thoughts. As Heero wouldn't actually write anything down, this is merely a look into the guy's head.